How To Restore Sexual Libido In Your Relationship

Posted on September 23, 2017 in Uncategorized

Are you unhappy with your sex life because she has little or lack of sexual desire? What can you do when you are faced with this situation?

Do you have any of the following symptoms-

(a) You have sex maybe 10-12 times in 3 years
(b) She has little or no interest in sex and any other sexual activities
(c) Sex becomes a chore for her
(d) You initiate almost all sexual activities
(e) When she does initiate it, she wants to quickly get over with it
(f) You no longer have any sexual fantasies about your partner
(g) You do not feel connected to each other emotionally and sexually
(h) You increasingly feel lonely, dissatisfied, unloved and empty

If you have one or more of the above symptoms, you are likely to face the situation of a low or no-sex relationship or sexless marriage. There may be many underlying reasons for a woman to be not interested in sex and it is very normal for you to feel frustrated when you have unmet expectations.

Here are a few suggestions that you can try at least to start the ball rolling in order to reverse this trend of decreasing sexual desire.

(1) Reclaim your sexual side for yourself

Orgasm is a great stress reliever and there is a need for an outlet for your sexual release. A way you can do is to masturbate. This will help to keep your emotions in check if the level of frustration continues to intensify. Do remember that it is your responsibility to keep in touch with your own physical needs.

(2) Touch her in non-sexual ways

Studies have shown that a simple touch can reduce anxiety, lower blood pressure, decrease pain and fear, inhibit loneliness and release endorphins in the brain that not only make us feel loved, but want to give love in return.

Affection and non-sexual touch can build trusts, deepen intimacy and strengthen a relationship. Holding hands, hugging, kissing and gentle massage of the neck, shoulders and back are wonderful ways to show affection without the pressure of sex. You need to break the touch barrier that is happening between the both of you.

(3) Have a heart-to-heart talk

You can put across how you feel to your woman in a non-confrontation way. You can say something like this – “I love you. I feel that something that is important to me is missing in our relationship. I need a more intimate relationship.” Then ask her to set aside a time to have the most open and honest conversation about sex that you can ever have with her.

If she says no, ask if she would prefer to do it with the help of trained personnel such as marriage counselor or a sex therapist who is non-judgmental and unbiased. If she still says no, tell her that being in a sexless marriage is not what you want and you are willing to work with her to make life together better and that you are asking her to be willing to do the same.

During the open and honest conversation there is a need to find out about your woman’s sexuality such as whether she ever feels sexy, either alone or with you; whether she can pinpoint anything that happen to her in the past that can cause her to hold back sexually; has she ever masturbated or have an orgasm; any reasons for her for not wanting to have sex.

There is a need on your part to be dedicated and patient enough to help her discover her sexuality, possibly for the first time. You must also be willing to do whatever it takes to let her feel comfortable enough to feel sexual.

You need to tell her that you feel unloved, dissatisfied and empty when being trapped in a low-sex or sexless situation. Explain to her that you are willing to do anything to make sure she will enjoy a sexual relationship with you as much as you will.

If her level of sexual experience is an issue, offer to show her what feels good for you. Also ask her to show you what feels good to her, the better if she is willing to masturbate in front of you. Help her to embrace her sexuality and encourage her to share it with you. Learning how to love and please each other is a great bonding experience which can help to strengthen a relationship.

Living in a sexless relationship for long times is very stressful and unhealthy physically, mentally and emotionally. All it takes is the willingness to invest the time and energy to do whatever it takes to save your marriage/relationship by revitalizing your sex life.

Same Sex Couples and Child Custody

Posted on September 22, 2017 in Uncategorized

Many same-sex couples choose to start families by having or adopting children. In the event the relationship between partners ends, child custody must be determined as with heterosexual relationships. These situations can be complex especially when one parent is the child’s biological parent and the other is not. Each state has individual laws regarding same-sex adoption so it is important to know your state’s laws and the best way to protect your parental status in your same-sex relationship.

In order to protect your parental rights to a child, in a same-sex relationship, you should make sure you are a “legal parent.” A legal parent has a duty to provide for a child, the right to live with the child (full or part-time) and the right to make decisions on his/her behalf. In some states, same-sex couples are permitted to jointly adopt a child therefore they both become legal parents. In cases where one partner is the biological parent, the biological parent automatically becomes the parent. In lesbian partnerships, often one partner is the biological mother and carries the child, making her the legal parent. In gay men partnerships, one partner may be the sperm donor (the child carried by a surrogate) making him the biological or parent. Many states allow the non-biological same-sex partner to adopt the child through the second-parent or step-parent adoption process. The second-parent adoption process allows the same-sex partner to also claim the parent role.

When same-sex relationships end and children are involved, often the courts get involved to determine custody arrangements. If both parents are legally the parents, most courts will handle child custody in the same way they would with a heterosexual relationship. The non-biological parent, who has a legal relationship with the child, will have rights similar to those of a father in a heterosexual relationship. In some cases, the non-biological parent is awarded custody because it is in the best interest of the child. Problems with custody can arise if only one partner is a legal parent. Many courts will say that the non-legal parent has few if any rights to the child in the case of separation. In some cases, the courts have allowed the legal or biological parent to deny the non-legal parent contact with the child. Some more progressive courts will look beyond the legal parental status to examine the history and relationship formed between the child and partner, when determining child custody.

In a few states, same-sex partner adoption is prohibited. It may not be possible for a non-biological parent to gain full parental status. If you live in a state where you are not permitted to adopt your partner’s biological child, you should attempt to protect yourself and your parental role in the event of separation down the road. One way to do this is by establishing a parenting agreement. This agreement will not necessarily stand up in court, but may help you work with your partner in the case of separation. A parenting agreement usually establishes that although only one partner is the legal parent, you both consider yourself equal parents and assume the responsibilities associated with your parental roles. It should include that you intend to co-parent even if the relationship comes to an end. It would be advantageous to also include information about financial responsibility and visitation/custody agreements in case of separation. This parenting agreement can be used in court as ammunition to support a non-legal parent’s quest for child custody/visitation.

If you would like more information about your state’s laws and same-sex couple adoption, you should contact a family law attorney. An experienced family law attorney can inform you of your state’s laws on same-sex adoption and the best way to protect yourself in your same-sex parenting relationship.

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Love, Sex, and The Teenage Brain

Posted on September 20, 2017 in Uncategorized

Teen romance and the possibility of sex…It is one of the trickiest and difficult topics that we, as parents, talk to our kids about. Making sure your teenager has good information and a healthy attitude about opposite sex relationships is a challenging parental responsibility. We know that our teenagers are going to parties, hanging out together, sometimes drinking and some are having sex.

According to a 2005 Statistics Canada report:

o About 12% of teens have had sexual intercourse by age 15 and by the time they reach the age of 17, 28% teens have. By age 24, 80% of young adults have had sexual intercourse.
o Of the sexually active youth between age 15 and 24, over one third of them had more than one partner in a year and 30% did not use a condom the last time they had intercourse.
o Teen pregnancy has been steadily decreasing over the past 25 years. However the number of teens who have contracted sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) such as Chlamydia remains on the rise. This points to reduced use of condoms or the prevalence of oral sex which many teens mistakenly believe eliminates the transmission of STDs.

So, as parents, what sort of influence do we have? According to a 2005 University of Regina in Saskatchewan study, teachers emerged as the most important source for information about pregnancy and STD prevention. The study also found that peer influence was more important than parental disapproval in predicting whether a student would have intercourse. The findings suggest that, teachers and peers are more important in providing good information and instilling attitudes to our teenagers than parents. Parental disapproval has little impact. In fact parental disapproval often has the opposite effect one is trying to accomplish.

Romance and the Teenage Brain

The conflict between young love and parental disapproval is not a new one. In Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliette, his “star crossed lovers” showed what havoc teen romance can have on families. Today, perhaps it is understandable and acceptable for school to be a more important source of information than parents on certain information about sex. However, most of us hope our values are important to our children and help guide their sexual behaviour choices.

When your son or daughter has fallen in love the personality change may seem extreme. It like they have been invaded by an alien body snatcher. The power of teen love and sex is very strong. Many parents feel responsible for their teenager’s risky behavior and become overwhelmed with feelings of guilt. Parents and especially mothers often feel the judgment of other parents whose teen’s behaviour is less extreme This can lead to additional feelings of isolation and ineffectiveness. Some parents and especially fathers may get authoritative out of frustration and eventually give up or “wash their hands” of the problem out of feelings of ineptitude.

To be more influential it helps to equipped with the knowledge of what forces are at work when a teenager falls in love. It is important to understand how the teen brain works. Recent brain scientific research sheds much more light on how much hormonal activity is influencing our teenager’s thoughts and actions.

Brain structures and brain chemicals both affect the way an adolescent first dives into romance. In his book Why Do They Act That Way?: A Survival Guide to the Adolescent Brain for You and Your Teen, David Walsh describes it this way. At around age ten, the body produces androgen hormones. This is when the first crush can occur. It is at puberty when the real awakening of sexual interest and sex drive occurs. This is when “falling in love” can happen. The hypothalamus drives surges of testosterone in both boys and girls and raises the levels of dopamine – the hormone that is responsible for feelings of pleasure. Because of developmental differences, boys and girls have different attitudes toward sex and romance. The testosterone surges in boys lead them to see girls as sexual objects. Adolescent girls tend to be more drawn to boys for the relational aspects of spending time together and talking.

Although sexual interest is always part of falling in love, falling in love is not always part of sex drive. The prefrontal cortex (the place of reason and judgment in the brain) is inactive and in teenagers not yet fully developed. When falling in love, we aren’t using our rational brain and impulse control. A “pleasure” high comes from the hormonal interplay of dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin. It is a powerful mix of natural neurological “chemistry”. All this high level of hormonal fireworks cannot be sustained for a long time by the brain. The intense feelings of “falling in love” are even shorter for teenagers than adults. Infatuation lasts only about three months on average. Following this they will move on to another relationship for the intoxication and excitement or will stay as the relationship transitions into a calmer more comfortable stable state, which has been called “standing in love”.

During the “standing in love” phase cooling down occurs and the prefrontal cortex engages. The teen is in a better position to assess the suitability of the relationship. The adolescent may wonder, “Why am I in this relationship?” A different set of hormones are released now. For girls it is oxytocin sometimes referred to as the “cuddling” hormone, also involved at childbirth, which promotes attachment. In boys, the hormone vasopressin makes them more protective, faithful and attentive to their partner’s needs.

Romantic Pitfalls

Often parents worry about their child falling in love with a “bad apple”. Concern about a teenager’s judgment is warranted. The prefrontal cortex is not completing formed in the brain until age 21. In this stupor of love, the bad influence of the boyfriend or girlfriend leads the “good” child to do things quite out of character. For example they may engage in some risky behavior out of loyalty and love such as destroy property for the “rush” of it.

Sometimes the darker side of love of jealousy and possessiveness takes hold. It is confusing for many teenagers. After the glorious “falling in love” feelings and then attachment hormones can cloud the judgement. He can become controlling, or physically or sexually abusive. When the “why am I in this relationship? question comes to mind, her memories of the “falling in love” times and the current cuddling hormone and lack of experience make it more difficult to see the wisdom of getting out.

Tips for Talking to Teens about Sex

Countries with low rates of teen pregnancy and STDs deal with sex more openly. If trusted adults, teachers and parents don’t talk openly, the adolescents will get their information from peers or the media. It is important to distinguish sex from sexuality. Sex is about biology whereas sexuality is about biology, psychology, values and spirituality. It is important for you to see your role as supplementing the logic, wisdom and judgement that the teen’s under developed prefrontal cortex requires. Actively listening, validating feelings and show respect will help open up discussions and reduce power struggles.

David Walsh in his book Why Do They Act That Way?, suggests the following tips and do’s and don’ts.
1. Get motivated. If you do not talk to them someone else will.
2. Get educated. Being informed overcomes nervousness and builds confidence
3. Get comfortable. It is OK to admit some discomfort. It will help everyone relax.
4. Make it an ongoing conversation.
5. Don’t try to cover too much in one discussion.
6. Choose appropriate times when there is an opportunity for calm, private uninterrupted conversation
7. Discuss sexuality, not just sex. They need to know about the place of sex in a healthy relationship.
8. Discuss dating as a time to have fun and get to know each other.
9. Don’t preach or lecture.
10. Make it a dialogue
11. Share your values

Do

o Emphasize the importance of respect and honesty in all relationships
o Have regular conversations with your sons and daughters about sex and sexuality
o Communicate the values you consider important in romantic relationships
o Provide accurate information about birth control and STDs
o Get to know your adolescent’s friends so you know who they are influenced by
o Really listen to your teen: their fears, and worries and validate their feelings showing acceptance and love
o Talk to other parents, join a parents group, see a counselor for ideas and support

Don’t

o Don’t get angry or use put-downs about a boyfriend or girlfriend you have concerns about
o Don’t ridicule or make fun of crushes or romantic attachments
o Don’t assume that your son or daughter won’t engage in sexual behavior
o Don’t keep quiet and let the “instant sex” that happens on TV and in movies become the only examples your kids

have about sex and sexuality

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